Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
