I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
