did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
