You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
