how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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