one two three fourrrrnication!
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
