life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
