Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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