I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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