Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
