Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
