My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
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