Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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