he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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