Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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