I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
