funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
