first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
