just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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