Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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