i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize