After last night, I could never be a politician.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
