I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
