I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
