I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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