The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
