Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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