I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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