And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
