I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
