I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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