it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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