i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
