i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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