Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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