i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
