Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
