Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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