I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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