Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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