I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
