i was rollin on her like bob the builder
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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