They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
