i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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