Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
