When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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