You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She's not a foreskin expert like you
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
