I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize