so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
