you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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