I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
