I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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