OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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