Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
