I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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