On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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