I understand why you refuse to be sober now
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
