i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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